Validation

One of the things I think most mothers like me struggle with is the need for validation that we are "good" mothers. Add that need into a broken marriage and remaining bitterness, it's a never ending cycle for us to feel like so much of a failure. 

The hardest realization I've had to come upon following my divorce, and him gaining visitation, is the fact that I am not going to get this validation, ever. Why would I be so crazy as to think that something I did not receive while I was married would be so freely given after it all fell apart?! 

I must admit I am bitter still, some small form of hope is left that one day he (and his family) will wake up and see. I would like nothing better for them to experience life in my shoes! Through the separation, abandonment by all family on his side and him, his sudden move back and demands to be part of their lives... All the while I had to be the constant for the kids. Finances are tight, I lost nearly everything on multiple occasions. And I just became exhausted. The kids would cry about why they did not get to see his family, although I did allow them to- they chose not to. I did not have the "ability" to just up and leave and take time for myself. 

Granted I by no means am perfect. I get frustrated, I lose hope and I falter back on my anger towards him, rather than remind myself I am called to forgive. 

To this day I deal with criticism now as to what kind of mom I am. Granted most of it is extremely exaggerated, and I know it's false, there's some part of me that just wants a thank you or a good job! Not all this - "I'll see you in court" stuff. 

I've had to dig very deep to find this acceptance. God knows I'm imperfect, yet it is through His strength I've moved forward with the kids. I'll confess, especially when money was tight, I was so tempted to give up just so the kids could live comfortably financially through him and his family! What was I thinking?! 

Now I face the possibility that when they are older they may leave me to live with those who buy them the nicest things, newest clothes, and most toys - all while I scrape and save to get just a new pair of shoes for my kids. Only God knows what my kids decide, but I hope they will never equate love with belongings, although the crying and whining I deal with from them now is discouraging enough. 

I've had many friends tell me the kids will understand when they are older. Am I the only one who is impatient? Yet I've come to realize there is a bigger reason why God has given and kept them in my care. I may never measure up financially, I may always be criticized, but God designated me. There's a lot of weight and value in that these days for me. 

My kids are currently gone for 30 days, for their summer visitation with their dad. I have never been away from them for that long, their whole lives. Besides panic attacks on the what-ifs and my selfish need to have them on my own, me and their father are just plain incapable of coparenting. It is all games and control and hate. I promised my daughter id call every night at 8, and that hangs on by a thread dependent on how angry he gets at me at that moment each day. I am guilty, no less, as I realize I just cannot have a conversation with him. I just want to talk to my kids. 

In short, if not for God's promise that these trials and storms are perfecting me in His way, and that brighter skies will come, I couldn't do it. 

I don't know how most other moms have pulled through this. Many people at my work have seen me cry and become a frantic lunatic over this. At this point, my blog will probably serve to document this trial and hopefully, eventually, show the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Until then!