2 years single!

2 years ago, this month that is, I made the decision that would forever change my life and my children's lives. I gave no ultimatum. Just a simple "you pack, or I pack". I was not thinking of any details, just in that I needed this separation - for myself and my kids. 

I can't even fathom it has only 2 years into this new life. It feels like an eternity. I've learned so many lessons. I've failed miserably, triumphed tremendously, all the while trying to give all credit to God. I would be so lost without His strength and blessings. It's never easy going through a breakup and divorce. Adding my 2 kids into that ordeal, and I've got something much more drastic to deal with. 

I'm still single, in terms of my children. They don't like it. Actually, my daughter nearly brought me to tears last week when she asked me "Mommy, when are you going to meet a guy and get married, so I can have a nice Daddy?" They miss the feeling of a family! And honestly, I do too. I miss some form of help with these kids. I miss adult conversation, and a physical example of love set before my kids eyes. It's exhausting to be a primary caregiver. It's exhausting to be the sole disciplinarian. I am just plain exhausted most days, but I pull through because I must. That was the choice I made when I had these kids, through all life's challenges I would be there for them, no matter how tired I was. A good friend stated this obvious truth to me, last night, that I've no room to be selfish so long as I have children. 

It's something I've come to terms with though, so it's hard explaining it to my daughter.  Marriage is not always something God has in our future. The social stigma that a man and a woman and kids balance this circle of family-life leaves out the most important feature of all - God first. I hope some day my kids see this completeness. And I pray I am reminded daily of this completeness through Him. 

I was an emotional wreck early today, on the way to the fair, just the kids and I. It felt lonely and empty, less familiar and family-like. As I said before, I get so so lonely, but I have come to terms with my single parenthood and try my best to compensate. But after getting to the fair, we made it a great day. This wasn't my first time doing this large outing day as a single mom, but I think I am just dwelling on the what-ifs and what-could-have-been things in my life. Also, it's been an emotional past 2 weeks for me. So it compounds into what I can and can't do for my kids. But I was determined today to try to have fun. After all, no one spends money on an expensive fair to be miserable! 

I think these past 2 years have taught me patience, beyond what I thought possible. I'm an extremely impatient person, but children will teach you patience, one way or another. I've learned to listen, before speaking or planning to speak. Not just to others but also to God. He's drawn me out of compromising situations; bad bad bad bad relationships (can I accentuate this more?!), misled feelings, pain and trials with these kids. Just by quieting my mind and giving me the instincts that I needed to fall back on. 

2 years had given me lessons I cannot regret. Failures I could regret, but lessons I can't regret. 

2 years has given me a purpose - child of God first, mother second. Anything else is a bonus, but NOT a guarantee. 

I know I'll still have times of loneliness. It'll only bring me closer to God. So I trust that where I am is exactly where He has planned all along, but I'm growing as a mom and a person along the way as He wants. 

Who knows what is in our future, but I choose to treasure what is in my present. 

Why I Blog

I had someone once tell me that our past and present troubles aren't something we should share with the world, and I was almost convinced - generally people do not care and will use these confessions as ammo to attack us. But in terms of our testimony and proof that God still is relevant in our lives, I am outspoken on these things. Granted most will never understand, but if even one person is touched and turned to see Christ through our trials, any embarrassment we feel over sharing our stories is worth that small sacrifice. This is why I choose to be an open book. 

It is difficult sometimes to admit to our failures and past mistakes, and I've found it's even harder to do so in frank conversations with God. He really calls for us to be open and honest with Him, to not hide and to bare our hearts to Him, as this is how He will change us. 

So I find that sharing with others also encourages me to continue honesty in prayer. 

Why feel embarrassed? We are so afraid of judgement from others on earth, but God has the ultimate judgement over us. Regardless of how much of a mess we are, He still loves us! If we apply this principle in how we judge, or hopefully DON'T judge, others, we may not always receive that treatment from others, but we set the standard that Jesus established. 

At a loss for words

I go through separate periods in life where I just feel lost. Today I talked to a friend about my wish to just run away, start over and erase my issues with my now. As I try to place my finger on what it is that bothers me now, it's so hard to do. There isn't really one large incident that has caused this affliction, rather many small ones that I've let build up. 

Times like these, I force myself to focus on how I am blessed rather than stressed. 

I have my kids back! I was so happy to pick them up from the one month separation. Coming home without them made me feel purposeless. But, as I've been a sole caregiver for so long, it's easy to see how I would feel so lost without them. 

I finally was able to get my own vehicle! 9 months after having my car repoed. And that was only through patience God gave me. 

My church is starting a single parents fellowship! This has been a desperate need of mine, I need fellowship in this area, and now it is coming! 

I have no real complaints in life. So why do I feel so down? 

I am a firm believer that this feeling of melancholy and depression is the devil playing in my mind. I feel sad for a lost relationship, which really is not a life changing event for me. I feel stressed at work and under appreciated. I fear the next "storm" to come with my ex. The feeling that I have no friends or support... These are all fears placed in my mind by the devil that shake my faith. 

So over the past week I've deliberately written down my blessings. This has so greatly helped me to prevent these small complaints from settling on my heart. 

Instead of preparing myself for a battle, I try to rest on God's peace. He has guided me through much pain and trauma, and nothing will ever shake Gods might or determination. 

It's been a long, difficult road to wander as a single mom. I worry that I am destined to be single forever. It takes a unique man to deal with me, my past, my ex, and my stubborn and independent ways. As God is changing my heart, I've come to know that His will trumps my ways. Granted I get lonely and weary, He fulfills both of these weaknesses! 

I hope that other single moms come to find God's love and grace as filling as I have sought to. It's not always easy to do, because we live in a world of fleeting things, and the enemy seeks to remind us of this. But, through much trial and error and heartbreaks and disappointments, trust Him.

Nothing will ever be as satisfying as God. 

Validation

One of the things I think most mothers like me struggle with is the need for validation that we are "good" mothers. Add that need into a broken marriage and remaining bitterness, it's a never ending cycle for us to feel like so much of a failure. 

The hardest realization I've had to come upon following my divorce, and him gaining visitation, is the fact that I am not going to get this validation, ever. Why would I be so crazy as to think that something I did not receive while I was married would be so freely given after it all fell apart?! 

I must admit I am bitter still, some small form of hope is left that one day he (and his family) will wake up and see. I would like nothing better for them to experience life in my shoes! Through the separation, abandonment by all family on his side and him, his sudden move back and demands to be part of their lives... All the while I had to be the constant for the kids. Finances are tight, I lost nearly everything on multiple occasions. And I just became exhausted. The kids would cry about why they did not get to see his family, although I did allow them to- they chose not to. I did not have the "ability" to just up and leave and take time for myself. 

Granted I by no means am perfect. I get frustrated, I lose hope and I falter back on my anger towards him, rather than remind myself I am called to forgive. 

To this day I deal with criticism now as to what kind of mom I am. Granted most of it is extremely exaggerated, and I know it's false, there's some part of me that just wants a thank you or a good job! Not all this - "I'll see you in court" stuff. 

I've had to dig very deep to find this acceptance. God knows I'm imperfect, yet it is through His strength I've moved forward with the kids. I'll confess, especially when money was tight, I was so tempted to give up just so the kids could live comfortably financially through him and his family! What was I thinking?! 

Now I face the possibility that when they are older they may leave me to live with those who buy them the nicest things, newest clothes, and most toys - all while I scrape and save to get just a new pair of shoes for my kids. Only God knows what my kids decide, but I hope they will never equate love with belongings, although the crying and whining I deal with from them now is discouraging enough. 

I've had many friends tell me the kids will understand when they are older. Am I the only one who is impatient? Yet I've come to realize there is a bigger reason why God has given and kept them in my care. I may never measure up financially, I may always be criticized, but God designated me. There's a lot of weight and value in that these days for me. 

My kids are currently gone for 30 days, for their summer visitation with their dad. I have never been away from them for that long, their whole lives. Besides panic attacks on the what-ifs and my selfish need to have them on my own, me and their father are just plain incapable of coparenting. It is all games and control and hate. I promised my daughter id call every night at 8, and that hangs on by a thread dependent on how angry he gets at me at that moment each day. I am guilty, no less, as I realize I just cannot have a conversation with him. I just want to talk to my kids. 

In short, if not for God's promise that these trials and storms are perfecting me in His way, and that brighter skies will come, I couldn't do it. 

I don't know how most other moms have pulled through this. Many people at my work have seen me cry and become a frantic lunatic over this. At this point, my blog will probably serve to document this trial and hopefully, eventually, show the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Until then! 

Who is in control here?

One of the biggest parts of my faith revolve around giving up control to those things that I cannot control. Other people. My past, etc. But drawing the line between some of these things is hard. I am often forced to spend a lot of time deliberating what is within my control and what is not. So I just want to share a list of things I have found are not controllable: 

Others' opinions of me - granted my behavior can influence these opinions... We cannot please everyone. In the case of my ex - and how he views me - well, out of my control. I am a good mom. I do all I can. Granted, I am not perfect. His judgements of me are based off of emotions of his own, that I cannot control. So why am I so sensitive to his judgements? God validates me daily, and at the same time pulls my heart into improvement in being a better person and better mom. So trust God's judgement of you... Not anyone else's. 

My past - I am a single mom of 2. Coming from an abusive and addiction riddled relationship, well I could live my life as a "victim". But I won't. Now, granted, a few prospective relationships have ended bc I have kids, or a crazy ex, well... That's a part of me. But, I will not allow those previous hardships to determine my future behavior. Rather, I hope to use these life lessons to help other women. I may always be single. I may never meet a man who is strong enough to deal with/support me emotionally and bring me closer to God, as I long for. What does that matter? I have God. The ultimate love. The ultimate acceptance. So what is in His plan is in my favor, and I trust Him. 

My kids - because they are NOT my past. They are my forever. If a man cannot accept them, it's goodbye. If I feel I don't like the way they would be handled by him, it's goodbye as well. I probably won't be able to put anything before them and their importance. I know God chose me to be their mom for a reason. 

My independence - yes this can be an uncontrollable issue. But, Ladies, don't ever become dependent. You have to only rely on God and the gifts He gives you. So many other things fail us in this world. People, jobs, living conditions, money and love. But He doesn't fail us. I can look back on my past and see His glory and grace written in my story. I encourage you to do so as well, and write it down! When you feel lost, lonely, overwhelmed or impatient, look at this list! This list is what keeps me going. His word in the bible gives us promises as well. But nothing trumps being able to clearly relate it to your life, right now. So find a bible study on His promises, and start relating it to your present. The relationship is already there. 

So what can you control?

Your behavior. No matter how emotional you get, your behavioral control is of utmost importance, as you have children watching and learning. You set the example. So when I get overwhelmed, sad or angry, my kids see me praying. I go straight for prayer before any other reaction. This is all He calls us to do. 

Your finances - let's be frank...as a society we have been so lax and risky. But you, as a single mom, cannot afford this "luxury", if you'd call it that. If you're like me, child support covers maybe 1/4 of living expenses. Children are EXPENSIVE!!! And, oh, how our exes will forget this and how much kids cost daily, but you will learn. So, pray for a better job, or whatever. But work with the blessings God gives right you now, and be smart about it, because He also gives you the wisdom to know better.

Your strength - well it's not really yours. It's God's, but wow, does he give that to you so freely. Rest in His arms in prayer. Draw from Him when you're overwhelmed. Cry or rejoice in His presence. We are called to pray without ceasing. And if you do this, at all times, all through your day, watch how he changes you! You only have to give that to Him. That which He deserves, our undivided attention. That will bring you to a more centered and prosperous era of your life. 

I am learning daily. Let me tell you ladies what I am facing - a severe custody battle. I've had CPS and cops, I've had heart splitting insults, I've had heartbreak and disappointment and drama out the you know what, antidepressant withdrawals, lack of money, a car repossessed, child issues like dyslexia and Aspergers Disorder with my kids, legal fees like crazy and just plain pain physically. But I feel so empowered to be able to remain steadfast in my faith through it all. Drawing my lines of control, and fully having faith that God will take all evil and turn it to good... That's what keeps me capable of smiling. 

The devil attacks us the most when we are on the right path. And he comes in so many forms. But God is the healer of all. 

So write down your issues. Write what you can control and pray for wisdom to discern that. God will take your hand and lead you in the right direction. 

Fairness

What I can't find in this world, and what I am given by this world. 

It is God's purpose to give as He sees fit. 

Today I prayed, studied, cried and gave in to it all. I have been shown that I should stop asking and just receive. 

I only wish to receive the Holy Spirit from this day forth. Jesus lives! And I only want to be filled with Him. His purity, His love, His truth. 

Before this, I asked for help. Wisdom, peace, freedom from the clutches of a vengeful ex-husband and his family. The strength to overcome all my worries. 

Now I will simply receive. 

He never promises freedom from persecution when you follow Him! He promises His love! That is all!!! And that is why His love is all we need. 

More to come later. But I felt the urge I share this enlightening moment! 

Encouraging Truth and Trust

In regards to my recent issues with CPS, I most recently had the police show up at my house for a "health and welfare" check at 9 pm Friday night. My children were already in bed asleep. I cannot explain how they even felt waking up to see cops standing over their beds. 

I got an email the next day from my ex-mother in law, admitting that CPS and the police visit were her doing. She claimed she was worried because my brother-in-law had "questionable" Facebook posts... On and on and on, excuse after excuse. On a side note, CPS is not investigating anymore. The cops came, talked to me as I cried and comforted me, and left. 

Let me just say, this lady chose to not be a part of my kids lives for the past 10 months, she claimed that I was talking bad about her in front of them. 

Recently my ex and his mom made amends. I can only assume this is just in relation to that and a way to yet again hurt me. 

And it does hurt. Here is the lady who I, for 6 years, called upon frequently when the drinking and abuse were too much to handle alone. She knew of it all. And she cut all ties with me once the divorce started. Over little tiffs and scratches and pride and prejudice. 

What hurts more is seeing my kids pain. I listen to my daughter cry about these things with not seeing them. And she recently got to visit with her, and my daughter came back to me calling me a liar and all sorts I things that were distorted after that visit.

I have never been fully frank and honest with my kids about the divorce or the broken relationships. So I am, in a way, a liar. I've spent years covering up the mess of our lives that I even do so with my kids to this day. So I had to sit her down and be frank. I told her all. She had already pieces of the puzzle in her head, seeing daddy passed out, the abuse, the harsh words after the abuse from my ex mother in law, etc. 

Now I find myself angry that I had to do this. Had CPS and the cops not came again, disrupted our peace, I coul have potentially kept my kids in their "bubble". But God works in strange ways to show us where we need to change.

We want to protect our kids from so much. It's impossible though. Just impossible, and that's where I have had to start studying on relying on God to protect them where I just can't. 

I feel so weak in that I can't do it all. I can't live another day though having my daughter come back from her dads and dealing with all the behavioral problems she gets there. It was brought to my attention that she is struggling to put together who to trust, who to believe, who to look up to. 

Granted I am not perfect. I've humbled myself to this and am seeking transformation through Jesus. But I don't believe I do anything that constitutes an unfair and unnecessary visit from CPS and police, at all. And the fact that I know bitterness is the motivation behind this, I've had to bring this to my kids attention. Lord knows I don't want to be the mom that talks bad about the child's father to them. But it is lying if you cover up the deeds. And I do myself no favor, nor get any respect from my kids, if I continue to absorb the blame in it. 

So I prayed that my words were truthful and necessary for her to hear. She's only 7. 

Ladies, if you live in this environment, I think it's important that you stop absorbing the blame. This does nothing to enable you to be a better parent. We all pray for the day that God intervenes. And He will. But in the meantime, do not lie to your child. Encourage your child to love the other, however let them know what is unacceptable behavior. Children model their parents, and if something is wrong, just deep down, soul shaking wrong, speak on it. Silence is a lie as well.