Fairness

What I can't find in this world, and what I am given by this world. 

It is God's purpose to give as He sees fit. 

Today I prayed, studied, cried and gave in to it all. I have been shown that I should stop asking and just receive. 

I only wish to receive the Holy Spirit from this day forth. Jesus lives! And I only want to be filled with Him. His purity, His love, His truth. 

Before this, I asked for help. Wisdom, peace, freedom from the clutches of a vengeful ex-husband and his family. The strength to overcome all my worries. 

Now I will simply receive. 

He never promises freedom from persecution when you follow Him! He promises His love! That is all!!! And that is why His love is all we need. 

More to come later. But I felt the urge I share this enlightening moment! 

Encouraging Truth and Trust

In regards to my recent issues with CPS, I most recently had the police show up at my house for a "health and welfare" check at 9 pm Friday night. My children were already in bed asleep. I cannot explain how they even felt waking up to see cops standing over their beds. 

I got an email the next day from my ex-mother in law, admitting that CPS and the police visit were her doing. She claimed she was worried because my brother-in-law had "questionable" Facebook posts... On and on and on, excuse after excuse. On a side note, CPS is not investigating anymore. The cops came, talked to me as I cried and comforted me, and left. 

Let me just say, this lady chose to not be a part of my kids lives for the past 10 months, she claimed that I was talking bad about her in front of them. 

Recently my ex and his mom made amends. I can only assume this is just in relation to that and a way to yet again hurt me. 

And it does hurt. Here is the lady who I, for 6 years, called upon frequently when the drinking and abuse were too much to handle alone. She knew of it all. And she cut all ties with me once the divorce started. Over little tiffs and scratches and pride and prejudice. 

What hurts more is seeing my kids pain. I listen to my daughter cry about these things with not seeing them. And she recently got to visit with her, and my daughter came back to me calling me a liar and all sorts I things that were distorted after that visit.

I have never been fully frank and honest with my kids about the divorce or the broken relationships. So I am, in a way, a liar. I've spent years covering up the mess of our lives that I even do so with my kids to this day. So I had to sit her down and be frank. I told her all. She had already pieces of the puzzle in her head, seeing daddy passed out, the abuse, the harsh words after the abuse from my ex mother in law, etc. 

Now I find myself angry that I had to do this. Had CPS and the cops not came again, disrupted our peace, I coul have potentially kept my kids in their "bubble". But God works in strange ways to show us where we need to change.

We want to protect our kids from so much. It's impossible though. Just impossible, and that's where I have had to start studying on relying on God to protect them where I just can't. 

I feel so weak in that I can't do it all. I can't live another day though having my daughter come back from her dads and dealing with all the behavioral problems she gets there. It was brought to my attention that she is struggling to put together who to trust, who to believe, who to look up to. 

Granted I am not perfect. I've humbled myself to this and am seeking transformation through Jesus. But I don't believe I do anything that constitutes an unfair and unnecessary visit from CPS and police, at all. And the fact that I know bitterness is the motivation behind this, I've had to bring this to my kids attention. Lord knows I don't want to be the mom that talks bad about the child's father to them. But it is lying if you cover up the deeds. And I do myself no favor, nor get any respect from my kids, if I continue to absorb the blame in it. 

So I prayed that my words were truthful and necessary for her to hear. She's only 7. 

Ladies, if you live in this environment, I think it's important that you stop absorbing the blame. This does nothing to enable you to be a better parent. We all pray for the day that God intervenes. And He will. But in the meantime, do not lie to your child. Encourage your child to love the other, however let them know what is unacceptable behavior. Children model their parents, and if something is wrong, just deep down, soul shaking wrong, speak on it. Silence is a lie as well. 

Bitterness

When I read the quote below, it made me realize two things - we hold on to pain as it seems so real, it's almost tangible. 

And the longer we hold it, the harder it is to let go. 

If the goal of any human is to pursue things that bring us pleasure (as some psychological theories assume) why do we do this to ourselves? 

I was drawn to this tonight as I heard of my 3rd CPS case opened against me. By an "anonymous"person. Granted I'm not Sherlock Holmes, I can put many ideas together and I know who it is. 

 

So my focus tonight is on bitterness, as I'm overcome with it. 

I have the tendency to go over all past pain, all of it, when I feel hurt. I know it's the devil creeping into my heart. He tries to discourage me from my faith.

And as my kids are pulled out of class again to be questioned by strangers on family life, I feel so much of their pain. I feel their mourning over their father and mine's lost relationship and the need for a "normalcy" that just will not come soon enough for such young needy souls. 

In the midst of prayer, deep urgency and pain and anguish, I can't express what I feel. I can't believe this is happening again. Not that anything is to be feared, I have done nothing wrong, and it will be open and shut cases as always. But the embarrassment I feel for my KIDS, who truly suffer. How can I help them to not be in pain, while I forgive? Lord how can I not remain bitter? I need to get past this quickly, as I have young eyes watching me, learning from me, and modeling me. 

This is the life of a single mom, one who ran out on the destructiveness that addiction, abuse and manipulation causes. One mother that only seeks peace. We fake strength when we have none. Our strength comes from Jesus alone. 

How do we find peace? God's promises! 

He promises us so much and has never fallen through. We are alive today, we are able to talk to Him TODAY. I have to focus on His promise to me. I look back on my past and strain to see His mercies as the truth. I know He is there, and He will always be. 

While my eyes are bent on revenge, my heart is held to healing. This is our nature. The only way to heal from bitterness is through His word. He is my armor. He is my savior. He has already won my battles. He will uphold me and give me strength. 

Lord knows I want to give up. All this pain  and anger makes me want to bury my head in the sand, but I am fighting for my kids. I wake up for them. I pray for them. I pray for He who is worthy, He who is righteous to intervene. And I know it's in his time. 

I have many parts of my life that could cause my to be eternally bitter. But why remain so? There is always hope in The Lord. 

So in my troubled heart tonight I pray for others, who are going through much worse than I can fathom. It's easy to get discouraged with the "now" of your pain, but you are promised so, so much more. And He will deliver. Hold onto this hope as you wake every day to face your enemies and your battles. And constantly pray for guidance and peace. Your words bring more to come than you know. Don't dwell on the what ifs. Instead pray, when you're mad, when you're sad, when you feel weak or miserable or even when you feel stronger. Ceaseless prayer is my goal. I have to turn to Him as I realize my hold on earthly events is weak. I cannot control others. I can only control me, through my prayer and giving my weaknesses to God. 

And overall, don't let yourself become bitter. That is the end of hope.  

Be my Healer

Laura Story's song speaks volumes to me. I'm sure lately I find more therapy through Christian music, at work when I feel like I could choke the crap out of people when I'm angry, at home when I'm overwhelmed, late at night when I can't sleep while I'm dwelling on all my mistakes and hurts... This is how I pull through. His Word is so eloquently threaded through music. 

I Can Just be Me summarizes my personality to a T. I would love to claim that it is my strength that has gotten me through. That is the biggest lie I've ever told myself. The truth is, whenever I've tried to control things, I make the biggest problems even worse. 

Let me relate one instance. 

Shortly after my spouse attended rehab last year, I found myself losing my hold on life and my will to live. While he was in rehab, I attended as much counseling, Christ based groups, Al Anon, even the drive to Abilene twice every weekend to attend family counseling with him. 

I found as much help as I could. I came to terms with being an enabler. But what I didn't do was give this to God. Instead, I took all that counseling to heart and thought I had complete control over our circumstances and his addictions.

 

Counseling can be empowering. It should be. But one thing that it lacks is how to humble yourself. At least for me it did. Al Anon and my Christ based healing groups often conflicted in terms of biblical based truths. I stumbled back and forth upon what I should do, what I could do, what I shouldn't do. I never really had a clear picture drawn for me that told me what I had control over. I was overwhelmed at times with trying to be proactive and trying to let go. 

I think for this reason is why I had my stint in the Helen Farabee Crisis Center. 

My emotions... I struggled so desperately between how to control these. I was an amazing mess! I tried to not feel, I tried to control them, I never fully allowed myself to feel. I felt as if I did not deserve to feel. I mean, who am I to feel so lost and depressed? The man I loved was in drug rehab, missing his children, living with embarrassment, and I was feeling bad for myself! 

On a side note... A lot of this stemmed from my childhood as well. We were not allowed to cry, crying was only feeling sorry for ourselves and that was not allowed. 

So I digress. Back to losing control when I thought I had it all controlled. 

So after his release, I studied to obtain my state license for insurance. I also still held the unwanted role of managing finances. $8,000 in debt to the rehab center and no real source of income... That's a lot to to try overcome. 

And on top of it all, a spouse who I cared for so much that I felt I could influence his recovery if I could only just do everything right. Watch my words, provide financially, make him happy. The truth of the matter is you can NEVER make anyone feel anything. Oh I knew this deep down. But nope, I was going to be the perfect wife and make sure relapse was not in our cards. 

God must have been flabbergasted with me. But I pushed on with trying to control it all, but claiming I didn't, while doing it. And wanting that recognition that I did. That's more what it was, I wanted recognition that little me held it all together, was the perfect and supportive wife, and we had rainbows and butterflies in our future because I did everything right. 

When you allow yourself no room for failure, you're in for a world of hurt. God allows us to fail so we can learn. 

So of course relapse came. I forgave, prayed and continued to try to control it all. And I made the mistake of not having a priority that my spouse had. Instead of running to the bank first thing in the morning, I studied for my license test. I was planning on going once he returned so I didn't have to drag the kids out too. And when he returned he was not happy. The rage came, a $1500 check was shredded and I was blamed. Whether this is unfair doesn't matter at this point, I was the dummy who also held myself at fault. How could I have not known that this would happen? I often lived in an odd twilight zone where I felt I should be able to predict these blow ups. No one can do that. And after an hour of screaming, name calling, and the like, my overall grip on reality was lost. 

On a side note, women who have lived through abuse can all attest to the cyclone of insanity that exists in arguments. Where there is strife.... Satan sneaks in at the slightest start of an argument to create this hurricane of emotion and borderline insanity, so where there is spilled milk, oh we want to die from it. 

And I have experienced that insanity too many times, I should have known better. In the rush of emotions, none I which I could control, and the overall agony of knowing this relapse and the hell that is coming again, I lost my will. I couldn't control this. I was nothing more than a leaf in the wind, and this hurricane was coming whether I did everything right or not. No rainbows were on our horizon anytime soon, and I saw failure everywhere. So, rather than allowing self to experience emotions before, rather than giving my future to God and trusting Him and His timing, I wanted to end my life. And that was even more embarrassing than not being able to show the world this "rainbow" I thought I could create of our story of addiction and recovery. 

Thoughts of suicide are nothing new to me. I should fill in these blanks with the strange fact that I am highly susceptible to them. It stems from an abusive childhood, maybe even genetic issues. My brother took his own life. But I hate myself even more when I get them. Even knowing it's natural for me, but knowing that God has always pulled me through, oh do I ever get ashamed. And that starts the vicious cycle of what should I allow myself to feel and what should I not. I've yet to find these answers. In the meantime, I give it to God. Irrational thoughts and all. 

So what did I learn after all this? Well, God gives us permission to feel. To be just us. But we have to let Him be who He is, the ultimate story maker and the Healer. I had to let Him heal my husband, in His own time. I could not do it! More than all, I had I let God heal me. All this counseling was a good start. I was being proactive and there's nothing wrong with that. But I had to learn my boundaries of control. And frankly, that includes my emotions. Now when I feel this hurricane I recognize it for what it is. And I get down on my knees, and I cry and cry and pray and cry some more. I allow myself I cry. It may be selfish. Lord knows this is the sin of my flesh. But I realize it's all temporary and passing. 

I draw my strength from God. His promises in His word. Not me thinking if I do everything right. Because I can't do every thing right. I just can't. I have to allow myself room for failure and setback. I know this is how He humbles me. 

Ladies, I pray you allow yourself to feel exactly what you feel. Don't hold back, but give it to God. In your honest conversations with Him, express it, even if it brings tears and pain you don't want to have to experience. He knows you are weak, and it is ok to be weak... That's where we give in to Him and truly see His power and glory and mercy. I pray that you clearly define your boundaries of control. Don't keep holding on to things that exasperate you. These are not meant for you to dwell on. Seek His assistance at every turn, that's why He is there. Let go of that pride that keeps you from Him. As Laura so beautifully sings... "Be my God, so I can just be me". 

Continuing

I'm fighting back all that I have to delete this blog already. Embarrassed, unimportant, and even thoughts of "am I being selfish" keep me from wanting to write. I often compare myself to others' and their trials. Normally the ones you see and hear about on the news. Are my trials really that important? 

Well there must be a reason I am always pulled back in even when I want to give up. I don't intend to use this as a diary, although that is therapeutic for my healing, I hope to share and help others. 

I have been blessed. I have 2 beautiful children. Both cause me to self-reflect, (as they often hold up a mirror of my less than desirable qualities!) They give me hope for the future. They are sponges in this world. And that's both amazing and scary! I don't remember asking for that responsibility! 

So how do we, as single moms, go about raising them to know God? Among the more serious concerns of making ends meet financially, finding time to teach them and play with them, cleaning, cooking and sleeping (of which I could use more of!), where does God fit in? 

Well, first of all, He is everywhere. And a child's heart is so open and innocent, I've found it easier to start conversations with my kids about God than it is to do so with adults! 

Besides the occasional trip to church (I know I need to take them more frequently) there's so many forms of media available to open the door to conversation with kids. The Bible series on the History channel was my most recent way to share with them. My son, at the young age of 6, was intrigued, and glued to this show. All during it he asked so many questions. Some of which I even had a hard time answering! 

Besides teaching with media, it's more important to lead by example. Granted no mom is perfect, I think you have to work on your relationship with God DAILY if you want to really influence your children. This is more than memorizing verses or chapters, it's more than ritual prayers, more than all that. Children feed off emotions, they are very sensitive creatures. So when you feel that love, so do they. It gives an ability to relate to them how God is relevant even today. 

I encourage studying His word with the intent of finding it's relevancy today, not just so you can recite it. You can live it. 

So back to my original question- where does God fit in, in a hectic, complicated and tiring life of a single mother? 

Well He gives me strength day to day. I am sure to let my kids know this. I would not have made it this far without Him. My kids see this, I am sure. And I tell them this. 

He gives me love. I can't hide from my kids all the emotions and pain all the time. I'm human and I have meltdowns. But although my kids do unfortunately see hurt in my eyes, they see me healing. I have came a long long way in healing, and whenever my kids ask about events from our past, I can talk to them about it with confidence that it shows I am healing. And this is only because of God. 

Leading by example, showing His words relevancy today, and utilizing any outlet to open conversation with your child are what I find. I am always open to more suggestions, so I hope to get feedback from other mothers on this. 

Ladies, today I pray that you find His relevancy in His word to you. That you can see the healing He provides. That you can have frank yet appropriate conversations with your child on what God has done in your life. Lead by example, yet forgive yourself if you feel weak or lost, but always look to Him, so your children will learn to do the same. 

 

Right Where I Am

I think it has always been an innate desire of mine to share, in writing, my feelings. More of an urge, and I temper it over the years with feelings of inadequacies and "busyness", however this has come to much more over the past few months. My need to share my testimony has grown almost to an uncontrollable degree. 

Yet I make excuses. And procrastinate as the champ I am at doing so. Time has revealed to me that I am not the only one in this situation, and God has shown me that this is my calling. In some form or fashion, I hope to help other women in these circumstances. 

The truth of life is nothing short of suffering. Why we must endure this only God can show us individually, and over a long lapse in time.

I must warn ahead of time, anyone close to me who sees this, it is graphic. I cannot hold back though, the truth has to come out. I am no longer afraid of expressing what I have been through. But I will try to show it in the glorious light that God has shown it to me in. 

The wonder of suffering... 

My tattoo is my everlasting remembrance to this. It may be an odd form of expression, but I knew when I first sat down to start it, it would be an integral part of my life and future. The reality is I do not want to forget my hardships. God saw me through them for a reason. Lillie's of the Valley are a symbol of His transformation. All that is pain and ugly is made new in His plan. We never see it at the time, and as they say, hindsight is 20/20. Not that I know what 20/20 truly is, as my vision is very bad even with corrective lenses! 

My focus tonight is on my initial experience with satan. What brought me fully back to my God. You see, many people have different testimonies of seeing God. I only saw Him when I saw that evil. The evil that ravaged the eyes and heart of the man I dearly loved. In a fit of rage, broken glass all over the floor of my beautiful kitchen, and my children barely 4 feet away as he repeatedly shoved me down into this glass. I can't even remember the words coming out of his mouth. All I could hear were my children screaming and the sound of me crying. It's funny how most of our senses shut down in turmoil. But more clearly, I SAW. I saw the devil that day, hovering inside my half-drunk, half crazed significant other. As I felt he wished to kill me. 

Maybe we let our emotions get the better of us. Sometimes things get exaggerated when we are emotional. But I can tell you, with all honesty, when you see evil, it is real. It is the most soul awakening moment I have ever been through. Not only did I feel his power, his strength, and fury,... Amazingly I felt God. His presence as he protected me and my kids. I could have been severely hurt. In all reality, I should have. I could have walked away with broken bones, more bruises and cuts than ever. 

But I didn't. And that alone is a miracle. My kids didn't get hurt as they waked through the mess of broken glass and noodles. The tormented soul that was my husband did not lash out at them, although it was very likely that he could have. And should have. 

God was ever present. In that moment I saw BOTH. Both anger and grace. Both hate and love. Both condemnation and forgiveness. And it had nothing to do with the alcoholism, the strained marriage, the lack of true faith. It had everything to do with the battle over my soul. Why would God come in to help such an insignificant woman like myself? 

Well, He tells me daily I am more. I am more in this life than those atrocities. 

Granted many have been there. For those women who are still there, please don't give up. Don't think of yourself as insignificant. You are meant for more. And don't spend another wasted day forgetting God. Seek Him, and He will show you what you really are. 

What came out of this experience was more than I could bargain for. Greater than all, I felt true belief in my God. I became more willing than ever to follow Him. To just let go. He had me in His arms then and forever and I KNEW it. That's what I needed to see. Strife with His glory succeeding. 

Secondly. I gained a lifelong friend. On a day when I should have been joining one of my beautiful puppies to her new mom, I had to call this lady to reschedule our meeting, so I could clean up the mess of glass and emotion that my house had become. (I was a master at hiding these terrible things). 

She became a great friend. She had graduated seminary, (go figure) and had known over the phone something was wrong despite my contradictions. And after the next couple years, I found more hope in opening up to her, seeking guidance from her, than anyone else. 

God gave me a vision. God gave me a friend. God gave me a reason. 

I will never again dwell on the what ifs after seeing and hearing my children's agony that day. 

As I said before, these posts maybe very   graphic. I only hope to help with this. I don't care to hurt anyone, but if you are hurt, please examine why. I intend to only speak the truth. 

Ladies, with all my heart I pray that you do not settle for less than what God intends for you. But rest assured, He is there. No matter how desperate your situation, how helpless you feel, how alone you may be, He is there!