Bitterness

When I read the quote below, it made me realize two things - we hold on to pain as it seems so real, it's almost tangible. 

And the longer we hold it, the harder it is to let go. 

If the goal of any human is to pursue things that bring us pleasure (as some psychological theories assume) why do we do this to ourselves? 

I was drawn to this tonight as I heard of my 3rd CPS case opened against me. By an "anonymous"person. Granted I'm not Sherlock Holmes, I can put many ideas together and I know who it is. 

 

So my focus tonight is on bitterness, as I'm overcome with it. 

I have the tendency to go over all past pain, all of it, when I feel hurt. I know it's the devil creeping into my heart. He tries to discourage me from my faith.

And as my kids are pulled out of class again to be questioned by strangers on family life, I feel so much of their pain. I feel their mourning over their father and mine's lost relationship and the need for a "normalcy" that just will not come soon enough for such young needy souls. 

In the midst of prayer, deep urgency and pain and anguish, I can't express what I feel. I can't believe this is happening again. Not that anything is to be feared, I have done nothing wrong, and it will be open and shut cases as always. But the embarrassment I feel for my KIDS, who truly suffer. How can I help them to not be in pain, while I forgive? Lord how can I not remain bitter? I need to get past this quickly, as I have young eyes watching me, learning from me, and modeling me. 

This is the life of a single mom, one who ran out on the destructiveness that addiction, abuse and manipulation causes. One mother that only seeks peace. We fake strength when we have none. Our strength comes from Jesus alone. 

How do we find peace? God's promises! 

He promises us so much and has never fallen through. We are alive today, we are able to talk to Him TODAY. I have to focus on His promise to me. I look back on my past and strain to see His mercies as the truth. I know He is there, and He will always be. 

While my eyes are bent on revenge, my heart is held to healing. This is our nature. The only way to heal from bitterness is through His word. He is my armor. He is my savior. He has already won my battles. He will uphold me and give me strength. 

Lord knows I want to give up. All this pain  and anger makes me want to bury my head in the sand, but I am fighting for my kids. I wake up for them. I pray for them. I pray for He who is worthy, He who is righteous to intervene. And I know it's in his time. 

I have many parts of my life that could cause my to be eternally bitter. But why remain so? There is always hope in The Lord. 

So in my troubled heart tonight I pray for others, who are going through much worse than I can fathom. It's easy to get discouraged with the "now" of your pain, but you are promised so, so much more. And He will deliver. Hold onto this hope as you wake every day to face your enemies and your battles. And constantly pray for guidance and peace. Your words bring more to come than you know. Don't dwell on the what ifs. Instead pray, when you're mad, when you're sad, when you feel weak or miserable or even when you feel stronger. Ceaseless prayer is my goal. I have to turn to Him as I realize my hold on earthly events is weak. I cannot control others. I can only control me, through my prayer and giving my weaknesses to God. 

And overall, don't let yourself become bitter. That is the end of hope.