Right Where I Am

I think it has always been an innate desire of mine to share, in writing, my feelings. More of an urge, and I temper it over the years with feelings of inadequacies and "busyness", however this has come to much more over the past few months. My need to share my testimony has grown almost to an uncontrollable degree. 

Yet I make excuses. And procrastinate as the champ I am at doing so. Time has revealed to me that I am not the only one in this situation, and God has shown me that this is my calling. In some form or fashion, I hope to help other women in these circumstances. 

The truth of life is nothing short of suffering. Why we must endure this only God can show us individually, and over a long lapse in time.

I must warn ahead of time, anyone close to me who sees this, it is graphic. I cannot hold back though, the truth has to come out. I am no longer afraid of expressing what I have been through. But I will try to show it in the glorious light that God has shown it to me in. 

The wonder of suffering... 

My tattoo is my everlasting remembrance to this. It may be an odd form of expression, but I knew when I first sat down to start it, it would be an integral part of my life and future. The reality is I do not want to forget my hardships. God saw me through them for a reason. Lillie's of the Valley are a symbol of His transformation. All that is pain and ugly is made new in His plan. We never see it at the time, and as they say, hindsight is 20/20. Not that I know what 20/20 truly is, as my vision is very bad even with corrective lenses! 

My focus tonight is on my initial experience with satan. What brought me fully back to my God. You see, many people have different testimonies of seeing God. I only saw Him when I saw that evil. The evil that ravaged the eyes and heart of the man I dearly loved. In a fit of rage, broken glass all over the floor of my beautiful kitchen, and my children barely 4 feet away as he repeatedly shoved me down into this glass. I can't even remember the words coming out of his mouth. All I could hear were my children screaming and the sound of me crying. It's funny how most of our senses shut down in turmoil. But more clearly, I SAW. I saw the devil that day, hovering inside my half-drunk, half crazed significant other. As I felt he wished to kill me. 

Maybe we let our emotions get the better of us. Sometimes things get exaggerated when we are emotional. But I can tell you, with all honesty, when you see evil, it is real. It is the most soul awakening moment I have ever been through. Not only did I feel his power, his strength, and fury,... Amazingly I felt God. His presence as he protected me and my kids. I could have been severely hurt. In all reality, I should have. I could have walked away with broken bones, more bruises and cuts than ever. 

But I didn't. And that alone is a miracle. My kids didn't get hurt as they waked through the mess of broken glass and noodles. The tormented soul that was my husband did not lash out at them, although it was very likely that he could have. And should have. 

God was ever present. In that moment I saw BOTH. Both anger and grace. Both hate and love. Both condemnation and forgiveness. And it had nothing to do with the alcoholism, the strained marriage, the lack of true faith. It had everything to do with the battle over my soul. Why would God come in to help such an insignificant woman like myself? 

Well, He tells me daily I am more. I am more in this life than those atrocities. 

Granted many have been there. For those women who are still there, please don't give up. Don't think of yourself as insignificant. You are meant for more. And don't spend another wasted day forgetting God. Seek Him, and He will show you what you really are. 

What came out of this experience was more than I could bargain for. Greater than all, I felt true belief in my God. I became more willing than ever to follow Him. To just let go. He had me in His arms then and forever and I KNEW it. That's what I needed to see. Strife with His glory succeeding. 

Secondly. I gained a lifelong friend. On a day when I should have been joining one of my beautiful puppies to her new mom, I had to call this lady to reschedule our meeting, so I could clean up the mess of glass and emotion that my house had become. (I was a master at hiding these terrible things). 

She became a great friend. She had graduated seminary, (go figure) and had known over the phone something was wrong despite my contradictions. And after the next couple years, I found more hope in opening up to her, seeking guidance from her, than anyone else. 

God gave me a vision. God gave me a friend. God gave me a reason. 

I will never again dwell on the what ifs after seeing and hearing my children's agony that day. 

As I said before, these posts maybe very   graphic. I only hope to help with this. I don't care to hurt anyone, but if you are hurt, please examine why. I intend to only speak the truth. 

Ladies, with all my heart I pray that you do not settle for less than what God intends for you. But rest assured, He is there. No matter how desperate your situation, how helpless you feel, how alone you may be, He is there!