I Can Just be Me summarizes my personality to a T. I would love to claim that it is my strength that has gotten me through. That is the biggest lie I've ever told myself. The truth is, whenever I've tried to control things, I make the biggest problems even worse.
Let me relate one instance.
Shortly after my spouse attended rehab last year, I found myself losing my hold on life and my will to live. While he was in rehab, I attended as much counseling, Christ based groups, Al Anon, even the drive to Abilene twice every weekend to attend family counseling with him.
I found as much help as I could. I came to terms with being an enabler. But what I didn't do was give this to God. Instead, I took all that counseling to heart and thought I had complete control over our circumstances and his addictions.
Counseling can be empowering. It should be. But one thing that it lacks is how to humble yourself. At least for me it did. Al Anon and my Christ based healing groups often conflicted in terms of biblical based truths. I stumbled back and forth upon what I should do, what I could do, what I shouldn't do. I never really had a clear picture drawn for me that told me what I had control over. I was overwhelmed at times with trying to be proactive and trying to let go.
I think for this reason is why I had my stint in the Helen Farabee Crisis Center.
My emotions... I struggled so desperately between how to control these. I was an amazing mess! I tried to not feel, I tried to control them, I never fully allowed myself to feel. I felt as if I did not deserve to feel. I mean, who am I to feel so lost and depressed? The man I loved was in drug rehab, missing his children, living with embarrassment, and I was feeling bad for myself!
On a side note... A lot of this stemmed from my childhood as well. We were not allowed to cry, crying was only feeling sorry for ourselves and that was not allowed.
So I digress. Back to losing control when I thought I had it all controlled.
So after his release, I studied to obtain my state license for insurance. I also still held the unwanted role of managing finances. $8,000 in debt to the rehab center and no real source of income... That's a lot to to try overcome.
And on top of it all, a spouse who I cared for so much that I felt I could influence his recovery if I could only just do everything right. Watch my words, provide financially, make him happy. The truth of the matter is you can NEVER make anyone feel anything. Oh I knew this deep down. But nope, I was going to be the perfect wife and make sure relapse was not in our cards.
God must have been flabbergasted with me. But I pushed on with trying to control it all, but claiming I didn't, while doing it. And wanting that recognition that I did. That's more what it was, I wanted recognition that little me held it all together, was the perfect and supportive wife, and we had rainbows and butterflies in our future because I did everything right.
When you allow yourself no room for failure, you're in for a world of hurt. God allows us to fail so we can learn.
So of course relapse came. I forgave, prayed and continued to try to control it all. And I made the mistake of not having a priority that my spouse had. Instead of running to the bank first thing in the morning, I studied for my license test. I was planning on going once he returned so I didn't have to drag the kids out too. And when he returned he was not happy. The rage came, a $1500 check was shredded and I was blamed. Whether this is unfair doesn't matter at this point, I was the dummy who also held myself at fault. How could I have not known that this would happen? I often lived in an odd twilight zone where I felt I should be able to predict these blow ups. No one can do that. And after an hour of screaming, name calling, and the like, my overall grip on reality was lost.
On a side note, women who have lived through abuse can all attest to the cyclone of insanity that exists in arguments. Where there is strife.... Satan sneaks in at the slightest start of an argument to create this hurricane of emotion and borderline insanity, so where there is spilled milk, oh we want to die from it.
And I have experienced that insanity too many times, I should have known better. In the rush of emotions, none I which I could control, and the overall agony of knowing this relapse and the hell that is coming again, I lost my will. I couldn't control this. I was nothing more than a leaf in the wind, and this hurricane was coming whether I did everything right or not. No rainbows were on our horizon anytime soon, and I saw failure everywhere. So, rather than allowing self to experience emotions before, rather than giving my future to God and trusting Him and His timing, I wanted to end my life. And that was even more embarrassing than not being able to show the world this "rainbow" I thought I could create of our story of addiction and recovery.
Thoughts of suicide are nothing new to me. I should fill in these blanks with the strange fact that I am highly susceptible to them. It stems from an abusive childhood, maybe even genetic issues. My brother took his own life. But I hate myself even more when I get them. Even knowing it's natural for me, but knowing that God has always pulled me through, oh do I ever get ashamed. And that starts the vicious cycle of what should I allow myself to feel and what should I not. I've yet to find these answers. In the meantime, I give it to God. Irrational thoughts and all.
So what did I learn after all this? Well, God gives us permission to feel. To be just us. But we have to let Him be who He is, the ultimate story maker and the Healer. I had to let Him heal my husband, in His own time. I could not do it! More than all, I had I let God heal me. All this counseling was a good start. I was being proactive and there's nothing wrong with that. But I had to learn my boundaries of control. And frankly, that includes my emotions. Now when I feel this hurricane I recognize it for what it is. And I get down on my knees, and I cry and cry and pray and cry some more. I allow myself I cry. It may be selfish. Lord knows this is the sin of my flesh. But I realize it's all temporary and passing.
I draw my strength from God. His promises in His word. Not me thinking if I do everything right. Because I can't do every thing right. I just can't. I have to allow myself room for failure and setback. I know this is how He humbles me.
Ladies, I pray you allow yourself to feel exactly what you feel. Don't hold back, but give it to God. In your honest conversations with Him, express it, even if it brings tears and pain you don't want to have to experience. He knows you are weak, and it is ok to be weak... That's where we give in to Him and truly see His power and glory and mercy. I pray that you clearly define your boundaries of control. Don't keep holding on to things that exasperate you. These are not meant for you to dwell on. Seek His assistance at every turn, that's why He is there. Let go of that pride that keeps you from Him. As Laura so beautifully sings... "Be my God, so I can just be me".
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